Being a Loser

To be "loser" means two things: either you're a failure, the most uncool person on the planet (and that's the most popular definition of the term), or you're someone who, literally, lost something.

It is hard to lose something that is very valuable. The more it is hard to lose someONE whom you hold dear in your heart. As much as we would want to avoid it, it's inevitable. Sooner or later, something or someone has to leave our lives.

And I am a person who has a hard time adjusting to loss. I become very attached to things easily. Three years ago our helper at home found a week-old baby maya bird on our porch. It looked so yagit: featherless, skin-and-bones, just like those day-old birds they sold by street food vendors, sans the seasonings. We suspected that it fell from the little maya nest that its mother built in between the small gap in our roof, just above the porch. Being the little sappy girl that I am, I took pity on the little bird and took care of it until the helper can put it back to its nest. I made a little make-shift nest for it, fed it bits of cooked rice and gave it drink. After three days my mom told me that it's time to return the bird to its nest. The night before the birdie's homecoming I cried in my room. I grew attached to the breathing balot chick.

Ok, that was just so... simple. And I guess that's what my fragile feelings can handle. I haven't really experienced loss on a large scale (unless you can consider losing two cellphones in the same year, but that's not counted). Never experienced a romantic heartbreak (it was I who did the breaking, bad Marley). Relatives have died, but I wasn't that affected coz I wasn't close to them. They're not really that 'valuable' to me.

Just recently I have become a loser. I have lost a friend, a sister, and a KGmate (oh, let me clear myself: she just left the community, she didn't die or nothing bad happened to her, praise God!). Of course we're still friends but the whole idea of her leaving us was something that is hard for me to accept. Once I have been used to having a person in my life, it's hard for me to let go (just like with that little birdie). Especially a person whom I have shared a lot with, one of the few whom I managed to open up to (when I am pretty secretive). I hated the fact that she will have to leave me; has our friendship no value to her?

As I battle with my inner bitch as to why people leave me (having a bit of Peyton-syndrome here), I realized something: I am such a selfish little brat. Once again it is all about me, me, and me when it’s not supposed to be that way. When things go well I have bright sunny days, but when things go wrong I go a-moping and a-complaining.

If it was God’s will for her to leave the community, then He has better plans for her. Malay ko ba naman sa mga plano ni Lord? Only He knows when, where, how and to whom things will happen, and most importantly, why. His ways are not my ways. Deal with it Marley.

Then I remembered Lani shirt, with the big, bold white letters saying L-O-S-E-R. And the verse after it: Matthew 10:39 - If your first concern is to look after yourself, you'll never find yourself. But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you'll find both yourself and me. (The Message)

I am supposed to be a loser – lose everything I hope for, dream of and desire for. Lose all of these so that I may have a lot of free space for God to fill in. “Lose yourself, and I’ll take its place,” says the Lord. And what has I become? Such a selfish, bratty, sappy cry baby that has no one to think about but herself. It shouldn’t be that way. I should be happy for my friend that she has been growing fast in her spiritual life, and that wherever God brings her, it’s because He has a plan for her, a purpose for her being there and not with us. Though it hurts to be away from someone you love, I bet what I’m feeling right now is nothing to what God must’ve felt when the Son has to leave His side to save mankind.