Remember that entry where i talked about how one's occupation sometimes define that person? Well, as of this moment I am STILL not active and fit (and i won't make any promises anymore).
As i was re-reading that post, it got me into thinking: if I would allow myself to be affected or influenced by my work, why not about my faith?
I have been a renewed Christian for 5 years already, and yet I haven't lived fully to that. I am all talk, no work. In 2000 i was in cloud nine with my renewed sprituality and relationship with God when i went to the high school camp of CCF, which was reinforced in 2001 when I joined YFC. Then back to CCF with the bible studies in school the following year. Then the year after that, 2003, i was introduced to GenRev and became sort of involved in Campus Revival. Then bible studies in 1st sem of 2004, then GenRev Ateneo in the last sem of my college life.
Looking at that list one might think that I am this demi-saint, being involved in all these religious activities. But I wasn't. There have been times (a LOT of times) that I have been so un-Christian-like in my words and deeds and thoughts, esp. in thoughts. My 'sisters' (Lani and Zy) can attest to that. There are also instances that I discriminate against people with huge flaws, not minding the bigger flaws of myself. I have been also using Christ's name in vain countless of times. I know what I've been doing is bad, and I just find myself silently crying in the middle of the night coz it's been weighing me down. I have been burdened by it for so long, and yet I'm still at it.]
I may be a Christian, but I am so far away from Christ.
I had this talk with Lani last night via text, talking about this guy (I will write about him in the future, promise) I have finally come to like (to Lani's delight). I told her about my stupid, giggly moments, how stupid grins manage to appear on my face at the mere thought of the guy. And how I also have apprehensions in liking this guy because, unlike the other guys i have liked, he is different. Too different that I felt that I am not worthy of having him, let alone crush on him. And the oh-so-wise Lani told me something that really struck me:
Just think that you would be closer to Jesus because of him. Just remember who his Creator is, and you'll be fine.
And she is absolutely right. I have been struggling with all these emotions that I have forgotten the one important thing that I should've known from the beginning. Oh well, that is what disciplers are for, to help and guide you in your spritual walk.
I want to renew my personal relationship with my Lord. I want to be close with Him the way I used to be, before I went back to my wayward acts. I want to start now...
Seek first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these will be given to you besides (Matthew 6:33)
