Being a Loser

To be "loser" means two things: either you're a failure, the most uncool person on the planet (and that's the most popular definition of the term), or you're someone who, literally, lost something.

It is hard to lose something that is very valuable. The more it is hard to lose someONE whom you hold dear in your heart. As much as we would want to avoid it, it's inevitable. Sooner or later, something or someone has to leave our lives.

And I am a person who has a hard time adjusting to loss. I become very attached to things easily. Three years ago our helper at home found a week-old baby maya bird on our porch. It looked so yagit: featherless, skin-and-bones, just like those day-old birds they sold by street food vendors, sans the seasonings. We suspected that it fell from the little maya nest that its mother built in between the small gap in our roof, just above the porch. Being the little sappy girl that I am, I took pity on the little bird and took care of it until the helper can put it back to its nest. I made a little make-shift nest for it, fed it bits of cooked rice and gave it drink. After three days my mom told me that it's time to return the bird to its nest. The night before the birdie's homecoming I cried in my room. I grew attached to the breathing balot chick.

Ok, that was just so... simple. And I guess that's what my fragile feelings can handle. I haven't really experienced loss on a large scale (unless you can consider losing two cellphones in the same year, but that's not counted). Never experienced a romantic heartbreak (it was I who did the breaking, bad Marley). Relatives have died, but I wasn't that affected coz I wasn't close to them. They're not really that 'valuable' to me.

Just recently I have become a loser. I have lost a friend, a sister, and a KGmate (oh, let me clear myself: she just left the community, she didn't die or nothing bad happened to her, praise God!). Of course we're still friends but the whole idea of her leaving us was something that is hard for me to accept. Once I have been used to having a person in my life, it's hard for me to let go (just like with that little birdie). Especially a person whom I have shared a lot with, one of the few whom I managed to open up to (when I am pretty secretive). I hated the fact that she will have to leave me; has our friendship no value to her?

As I battle with my inner bitch as to why people leave me (having a bit of Peyton-syndrome here), I realized something: I am such a selfish little brat. Once again it is all about me, me, and me when it’s not supposed to be that way. When things go well I have bright sunny days, but when things go wrong I go a-moping and a-complaining.

If it was God’s will for her to leave the community, then He has better plans for her. Malay ko ba naman sa mga plano ni Lord? Only He knows when, where, how and to whom things will happen, and most importantly, why. His ways are not my ways. Deal with it Marley.

Then I remembered Lani shirt, with the big, bold white letters saying L-O-S-E-R. And the verse after it: Matthew 10:39 - If your first concern is to look after yourself, you'll never find yourself. But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you'll find both yourself and me. (The Message)

I am supposed to be a loser – lose everything I hope for, dream of and desire for. Lose all of these so that I may have a lot of free space for God to fill in. “Lose yourself, and I’ll take its place,” says the Lord. And what has I become? Such a selfish, bratty, sappy cry baby that has no one to think about but herself. It shouldn’t be that way. I should be happy for my friend that she has been growing fast in her spiritual life, and that wherever God brings her, it’s because He has a plan for her, a purpose for her being there and not with us. Though it hurts to be away from someone you love, I bet what I’m feeling right now is nothing to what God must’ve felt when the Son has to leave His side to save mankind.

Year-end Thanksgiving

Year-end Thanksgiving

Though most people wrote about resolutions and their insights, musings, regrets, complaints, whatever during the past year, I will be writing about the things I have been absolutely grateful for in 2005. I have a lot to thank for, anyway :)

The past year has been a year of changes for me. Change in environments, change of friends, change of status, change of residence even. Though changes abounded, I still retained friends of old and even re-discovered things and people I thought I have long ago lost.

I turned 21 last year. For most it’s a big deal for this signals one’s entrance to adulthood. Here one can make decisions on their own without need for parents’ consent, a time when most are employed and earning their own money, a time when they live on their own. I am no exception; in fact that’s how I imagined myself to be when I turn 21.

This was made possible by the fact that I finished college last year. Graduation was one of the best things that happened to me, not only because I finished in a school known for its high educational standard (which I was so afraid of not meeting at first) but because it was the end of one phase (schooling) and a start of another (employment). I chose not to go to graduate school agad ‘coz I wanted to experience working (plus I have been studying since I was 2½, I want a break).

Speaking of which, I am thankful for my job. I have always wanted to be in advertising but He brought me in another direction. Though my acceptance of the job happened so quickly it took some time before it sank in that I am employed, I do not regret my decision. Action & Fitness only started this year and though the road was bumpy (very bumpy) at the start, things are slowly getting better (the fact that the mag was just starting made me stay). I am thankful for a nice editor, who is ever so patient with me. I am thankful for my colleagues who make my work environment, well, fun, to say the least. I am thankful for Christian bosses who, despite the busy goings-on in the office, never forget the One Who makes everything happen.

I am thankful for my sisters-in-Christ, we who fondly call ourselves the S.S. (as in Super Secret what the letters mean). My friendship with Lani and Zy started and deepened because of our common love for God and our search for Him. Our fellowship with other Christian sisters has been wonderful and brought us closer to Him. Though we may be experiencing different trials now, both in our personal and spiritual lives, our sisterhood have what kept us, well, sane.

I am thankful to be part of a Catholic community where I have discipleship and fellowship with other believers. I am thankful for my KG – my facilitator and my KGmates – for the sharings and insights, blessings and prayers and lessons I get from them. I pray that they got the same from me as well. For the new friends I met and made in community, as well as those whom I have re-kindled after my absence, I thank God for them. Though my journey to joining the community wasn’t easy (for a whole lot of reasons), it was what He wanted me to go, and go I did. What lies ahead for me here? Only He knows.

I am thankful for my housemates, for re-discovering my high school friends, for allowing me to live on my own. I have been searching for a new place to stay in, where everything’s accessible and fits my budget, and Cubao was the place. It’s near the office, near the community center, and prolly (God-willing), near my law school. The people I am with have been the most fun and patient and generous and wonderful people to share one roof with. Our friendship which was started in high school was deepened now, after years of separation in college.

I am thankful for my parents, for being supportive of my decisions, albeit with much loving advice. They know what is good for me, having been “there,” yet they allow me to commit my own mistakes and learn on my own. I am learning so much, and still learning.

Now all the serious stuff has been thanked for, I thank for the simpler things also, like CSI Sundays, One Tree Hill marathons, for discovering that Desperate Housewives is a good show after all, for the two-month vacation after grad before I got employed, for working, though for a short time, for a friend, for discovering that I can still be a rocker, at my age, for the wonderful Christian music out there, especially the Indie artists, for spontaneous movie dates, college crushes, prospective GBs, Singles’ Socials, animated movies which Lani has dragged us to watch with her, the 6th Harry Potter book, the 4th Harry Potter movie, discovering the Chronicles of Narnia, free movie premiere tickets, Starbucks afternoons with my colleagues, musician friends and their gigs, finally going to Singapore with my family, nearly filling up my Starbucks card and high chances of getting that elusive planner after so long, SoulStop and fellowship with Atid, internet chats and making friends with people overseas, for my online best friend, for my longest crush of all time who has become a good friend (and hopefully has no idea that I crushed on him, and maybe has some feelings left), for fun, hyper, God-fearing cousins who are so quick in growing up, Burgoo lunches and coffee shop talks with the S.S., hamsters, ducks, rookies and coffee and a panda with a pet dwarf named after a famous painter, for blogging and personal web pages, for donuts-and-bagels talks, tear-jerking love stories, for the location photo shoots and cover shoots, press cons in posh hotels and picking out clothes in the mall, finally learning to use the Mac, for being not quite a fashion victim, for the cute guys I’ve seen everywhere, for rocking worship every 4th Friday of the month, for the new people I meet (in work, in community, in events, wherever), for my first-ever adventure race and finishing 5th among 15 teams, for the good reviews on A&F, for my intro to photography and graphic design, for multi-tasking, the menial tasks I did at the start, for all the good, and bad, things that happened to me in 2005. I may not have reached 2006 if not for those.

For all the people who really made an impact in my life the past year, you may or may not know it, but I thank you from the bottom of my getting-fat-coz-of-all-the-holiday-foods heart. I hope that I get to show you my gratitude. Here’s to more fun and sad times, and everything for God’s greater glory. Cheerios!

Lost in Narnia

I received what is prolly one of the best Christmas presents I have ever received yesterday.

Sir Manny called me into his office yesterday to tell me that he managed to get premiere tickets to The Chronicles of Narnia for that night. I was surprised to know that there was a premiere, much more that it was only a few hours away. He only learned of it the night before from a friend. He offered them to me, knowing I am the Narnia fanatic (bordering obssession actually) in the office.

After securing the tickets came the task of looking for a companion. Since the thing was so last minute most of the people I asked already have plans. What made it worse was that I only know a handful of fans like me. The Lord eventually gave me someone, in the form of Lyka.

He is so smart. The place was studded with Kapuso talents, most note-worthy is Richard Gutierrez. I didn't mind them much, but my friend did. Lyka, you see, was a full-fledged Kapuso. What made her night was seeing Lander Vera-Perez (there with his wife Regine Tolentino and their kids). She has been crushing on him since she was 12 and it was the first time she saw him in person :p heehee

I enjoyed the movie very much. I can't wait to watch it again (darn the MMFF!). I wrote a quick review of the film on my site. Check it out if you want to know how I found the movie (but you prolly know that by now ;p)

Enough of the Drama, Life is Short

After almost a week of being down and cranky and angsty towards people who irked me, it's time to move on. If they can't take a hint, wala na akong magagawa. Bahala na si Lord sa kanila. Life is short, I might as well enjoy it. :D

Anyway, my real reason for posting is to 'promote' another batch of Indie articts that I have discovered this week :D

First is Robin Welty. Her music's a combination of pop and modern rock; her songs are, in fact, quite radio friendly. You can listen full MP3s of her songs on her official site :)

There's also Josh Hilliker. He reminds you of an upbeat Stephen Curtis Chapman. :) You can listen to some of his songs here.

There's also the band The Blackstones. Their music is like Jars of Clay meets The OC.

Oh yeah, there's also Jason Sweet. He's in the same league as Jeremy Camp, Third Day and Jars of Clay.

Most of the artists I've posted have their own pages in MySpace, The Spirit Radio, Grassroots Music and Indie Heaven.

I've uploaded samples of their songs (in full MP3, of course) in my site :) Check it out!

Let's Be Adults

I believe I am capable of a serious conversation. I may be all jokes and stuff, but when matters are pretty serious it is better if we sit down and talk about it. I don't like guessing games and mind games; I am not a mind reader people. Heck, I'm not even an empath; but I am not stupid.

So please, if you have anything you want to talk about, just approach me and let's deal with it in a mature, adult manner: by talking about it. It will make each one of us a whole lot of good if we deal with this now.